Cullen and Hawke  A Question of Understanding
by Zelda Silver
Summary: A Cullen and Hawke romance based on Bioware's Dragon Age 2.
1. Chapter 1

_**A Question of Understanding - A Cullen and Hawke romance, based on the characters and dialogue from Bioware's Dragon Age and Dragon Age 2**_.

Chapter One

The rumour was that Cullen had gone mad after surviving weeks of Uldred's merciless torture and randomly killed a group of innocent mages. The truth of course was considerably different. The truth was that young Cullen was scarred deeply by the horrific events at the tower, and it took him many months to even begin to heal. But he not gone mad. As for killing mages, Cullen did come close to killing an apprentice – some would argue his actions were justified – but with his blade perilously close to the throat of the young man, Cullen was able to reign in his intense anger and let the boy go.

Cullen was deeply troubled by the episodic fits of rage that had initially plagued him. He sought council from Knight Commander Greagoir and First Enchanter Irving. Irving's kindness and patience in particular helped him through his lyrium withdrawal. Irving believed that lyrium was not only unnecessary considering the strength of Cullen's talents, but was both intensifying his anger and impeding his ability to grieve and to begin to heal. Cullen's physical scars would mend, but the emotional scars would be with him for years to come, Irving had confided to Greagoir.

Regardless of the truth of the matter, Cullen's reputation was in tatters. Rumours have a life of their own, and soon the rumours about Cullen become the truth. His time as a Templar at the Ferelden Circle of Mages was over. He wasn't sure of what he would do, or where he would go, but somehow Ferelden no longer felt like home. So Cullen began to pack up his things one summer day, knowing only that he had to get out. He was deep in thought and did not hear Greagoir enter his room.

"Cullen?" Greagoir said announcing his presence.

"Knight Commander." Cullen replied flatly.

Greagoir could see Cullen's jaw tighten. So much pain for a young man to endure. Cullen had already lost his family to the Blight and so many of his comrades to Uldred's depravity, and now he was losing the only place left that he could call home. The cruelty of it seemed impossible.

"It would seem that the rumours about you have tweaked the interest of Knight Commander Meredith in Kirkwall. She has written to me, asking me to approve a transfer to her charge. She is willing to promote you to Knight Captain."

Cullen didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Oh this is grand news Greagoir. Knight Commander Meredith wants a mad mage killer to lead her Templars – Templars who have sworn to protect mages! Well, it certainly would be an honour to serve such a fine Commander!" Cullen replied sarcastically.

"Cullen – I am sure she realizes the rumours about you have been greatly exaggerated. In truth, she does have a reputation of being, well how shall I say it, enthusiastic in her pursuit of apostates and blood mages. But you yourself have questioned our treatment of mages here in Ferelden. You have wondered if we have been too soft. Perhaps you would prefer Meredith's approach. Or perhaps you could find some middle ground." Greagoir said, pouring himself and Cullen some wine.

Cullen took a hearty swig of wine, and sat down on his worn leather chair.

"I don't know what the answer is Greagoir. Too soft? Too harsh? Does it matter? The Mages turned on us and slaughtered our brothers. It happened right under our noses. Somehow we weren't vigilant enough." Cullen said with an involuntary shudder.

"You know as well as I that what happened here Cullen was a confluence of many factors not the least of which was Loghain's interference, Uldred's personal failings, and the Blight." Greagoir replied wearily.

"Yes Commander. But I experienced firsthand what a mage possessed can do. I cannot, I will not, let that happen again." Cullen grew silent.

"Fair enough, but just remember that you have also experienced what a mage who is not possessed can do Cullen. Need I remind you who nursed you back to health after you were released? Need I tell you how many mages are working with King Alistair to rebuild Ferelden. It is not black and white." Greagoir replied.

"No. It is not. It never is. It if it were, then it would all be so easy wouldn't it?"

Cullen drained the last of his wine. Despite what had happened to him he still believed in the Order perhaps more now than ever. But Cullen had been the victim of the worst kind of evil, and he could neither forgive, nor could he forget. He wondered if what happened to him would taint him forever.

"Very well. Let Knight Commander Meredith know that I gratefully accept her offer. It is not as if I have any other options at the moment." Cullen said smiling weakly.

They embraced warmly. Cullen finished packing. He would leave at first light. As he crawled into his bed, he prayed to the Maker that he would sleep peacefully and not have any nightmares. But it was not to be.

Quietly, in the still of the early morning, Cullen made his way to the docks. From a small window, Greagoir watched as Kester helped load Cullen's gear onto his ferry.

"Maker watch over him and heal his heart. You will find no stronger or more compassionate man than he." Greagoir whispered.

As Cullen gazed out upon the ever diminishing Tower, he felt very alone.

Shaye Hawke took a final swig of ale and said goodnight to Varric and Isabella. It had been a long day, and she was exhausted.

"Bethany and I will meet you two here in the morning and checkout Wilmod's camp. We owe it Macha to try to find her brother." She said.

"Is that wise?" asked Varric. " Bringing Bethany that is. Wilmod is a Templar."

"No, it is probably not wise. But we have little choice. Fenris is nowhere to be found, and Anders, well, you know Anders. Bethany will no doubt be more… discrete, shall we say."

Isabelle chuckled. "Yes, Justice is hardly discrete and I doubt he would be keen on helping to find missing Templars! Well, I am done. Good night Hawke." Isabella grabbed a bottle of wine and walked to her room, or rather, swayed to her room.

Walking in the cool night air helped to clear her head. She had been living in Kirkwall more than two years now and although it was likely the longest time she had spent in any one place her entire life, it still did not feel like home.

Since her brother Carver's death and the shock of learning her family fortune was gone, her mother had become morose. The tension between her mother and her uncle pervaded the entire house. Bethany lived in constant fear of the Templars, which were a far greater force here in Kirkwall then in Ferelden. And although Shaye wondered if the horror stories that their parents had told them about the Gallows were exaggerated, it was clear that being a mage seemed more of a curse than a blessing. Shaye tried to avoid being home as much as she could. She loved her family dearly and did her best to take care of their needs. Some days it just seemed too exhausting.

The foursome made their way up the winding path to Wilmod's camp. It was a beautiful day with the sun shining in a clear blue sky. The smell of pine needles was intoxicating. As they approached the final rise, Shaye could see two men both Templars, engaged in a rather animated conversation. As they drew within a few feet of the twosome, one Templar hit the other with such force, that he fell to the ground. With his sword at the boy's throat, Shaye yelled out and began to run.

"Leave the boy alone Templar." Shaye screamed, bow cocked, ready, and aimed at the Templar's shoulder.

Her command was met with hard, steely grey eyes.

"This is not your affair Miss. This is Templar business. Stand back." The Templar shot back menacingly.

Within seconds the boy, whom Shaye realized must be Wilmod, transformed himself into a hideous demon, and suddenly, they were surrounded by the abominations the demon had summoned. Cullen was attacked first and answered with lightening quick speed, bashing his shield into the shade's slick body. Weapons quickly drawn, she, Varric, Isabella, and Bethany responded quickly and forcefully to the attack. With the demon and his minions contained, a bloody, sweating, and shaken Shaye approached the Templar. The steely grey eyes that had first met her, had somehow softened and were so full of pain that Shaye's heart began to hurt.

"I apologise Ser. It would seem I jumped to an erroneous conclusion." Shaye said. .

"Erroneous or not, it appears that I am lucky you arrived when you did. You have my gratitude." The Templar replied bowing. "I am Knight Captain Cullen."

"And I am Shaye Hawke. This is Varric, Isabella, and my sister Bethany."

Cullen bowed in acknowledgment and thanks. Raising an eyebrow as he gazed at Bethany's staff, he said nothing.

They sat down around the smoldering camp fire. Varric passed around a flask of water and all drank greedily.

"Ser Cullen, can you tell us what has happened here?" Shaye asked gently.

"I was trying to get information from Wilmod. His behaviour of late has been … well strange." Cullen said

"Well beating the crap out of someone is one way to get information I suppose." Quipped Varric.

"I had no intention of harming the lad. But he had to know I was serious. Recruits have gone missing and lives are at stake." Cullen replied glaring at Varric.

"So, there is no demonic Meredith-inspired ritual, like the other recruits claim?" Shaye asked with a smile.

Cullen laughed. "Is that what they are saying? Oh Maker. The greatest danger of the initiation ritual is that one of the recruits will fall asleep and an officer might have to cuff him. Honestly, those recruits can be worse gossips than an old ladies knitting circle!" Cullen grinned widely.

Shaye was stuck by his genuine warmth and affection for his young charges, and so, after listening carefully to the details of Cullen's search for the missing Templars, Shaye, to Bethany's dismay, agreed to help the Knight Captain.

~XXX~


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Shaye escaped the house just as Bethany slammed the bedroom door hard enough to cause Gamlen's favourite vase to come crashing to the floor. Bethany and her mother were fighting about the Deep Roads again. Mother did not want Bethany to go, but Bethany was bound and determined.

"I clearly failed at being a peace-maker today." Shaye thought as she rounded the corner heading into the merchant's district of Lowtown. It was a cool, but sunny day. The streets were busy, and as loud and noisy as ever. As she walked past the last of the stalls, she turned down a small side street, an alley really, vaguely recalling that it led to out to the secondary market. As she walked down the alley she noticed a boarded up passageway. The boards were broken on the side, leaving space enough for a person to enter. There appeared to be stairs leading up somewhere. She didn't know why she hadn't noticed this before, not that she found herself on this little side street often. As she examined the area, she observed markings on the dusty street and realized that the entrance was usually partially hidden by a rather large empty water barrel that had recently been moved to the side. Curiosity getting the better of her she easily slipped though the gap, and cautiously climbed the stairs.

Surprisingly, as she reached the top, she discovered she was standing in an old, abandoned parapet. The rough stones marked it be hundreds of years old. From the wall, the most beautiful view of the city, the ocean, and the mountains beyond could be seen. And clearly someone had taken care of this little out of the way spot, because there was a beautifully crafted oak bench, and two large clay pots, filled with the last of the summer's flowers. Shaye had the uncomfortable feeling that she had somehow intruded upon someone's deeply personal space, and yet she could not force herself to leave quite yet. For this was a place of beauty and care in the midst of the din and the chaos in the streets below.

She stood with her back to the stairs, gazing out at the city before her. So different from the small towns she had grown up in. She missed her father and Carver. She hated the fact that Bethany and her mother were arguing. And as her thoughts drifted, she didn't hear the sound of soft boots climbing the stairs.

Cullen stopped in his tracks as he reached the top of the stairs to his sanctuary as he called it. His heart skipped a beat as he saw the back of a woman he immediately recognized as Hawke. Her long thick shiny hair, the colour of rich dark chocolate, was streaming in the wind. She was tall and lithe, and oh so shapely. He recalled the first time he set eyes in her, a wild-eyed, beautiful woman running towards him with weapon drawn, ready to defend young Wilmod. He had marvelled at her quickness, her deadly accuracy with her bow and her toughness on that day, and later, her gracefulness and her graciousness. She had saved his life.

And he remembered when he saw her again, with Keran in tow, how he had admired her fierce determination to see neither that Keran nor his family suffer further because of his enslavement and torture by a blood mage. Her ardent defense touched him more than she could know.

"Ah, um, Shaye? I mean Hawke?" Cullen called out tentatively.

Shaye whirled around, and Cullen could not help but smile at her look of shock and embarrassment. They had met several times since the incident at Wilmod's camp, but the meetings had been formal and business-like, with Cullen in full Order regalia. Here he was, dressed as a typical Ferelden, in soft leather deer skin boots, his black leather breeches, and brushed cloth peasant shirt, which showed off his chiselled chest.

"Ser Cullen? Oh, is this your space? I, I, am sorry. I seem to have intruded. I'll go now." She said, faced flushed and eyes averted. She moved towards him and started to leave but Cullen lightly touched her arm and laughed.

"My space? Hardly. It is owned by the city. I just come up here to enjoy the view. Feel free to leave if you want. But I have some warm bread, some Ferelden cheese, and just enough wine for two." He said holding up a cloth bundle. "I'd be honoured if you joined me. You saved my life and Keran's too. I owe you a debt." Cullen bowed and moved aside.

"Ferelden cheese? Where ever did you find that?" Shaye replied.

She watched as the Templar walked over to the bench and motioned her to sit. Between the Ferelden cheese and the warmth of his smile, Shaye could hardly refuse the offer. Since meeting Cullen, she had to admit that she had developed a little crush. There was strength and a certainty about him that Shaye had been immediately attracted to, not to mention his good looks. He was tall and muscular. His hair was the colour of honey, his lips were full and inviting, his eyes were of the most unusual shade of grey and he had the most disarming dimples when he smiled. She had found herself fantasizing about him from time to time, but he was a Templar after all, and so she would chase away her foolish thoughts and shake her head. It worried her that he knew about Bethany, and hadn't yet made a move to take her. But here he was again, and her attraction to him was undeniable.

"We Templars have our ways. We hunt both mages and Ferelden delicacies." He said as he tore off a piece of bread and handed it to Shaye.

Shaye giggled. "Well, it is good to know that Templars are good for something!"

Cullen gave a mock frown. "Ah, what a surprise! Another Templar hater!"

"Well," Shaye started. "I wouldn't go that far."

Before he could stop himself the words tumbled out of his mouth. "How far would you go?" His face turned a deep crimson. _What an idiotic thing to say_ Cullen thought to himself, grimacing.

The double entendre was not lost on Shaye and she stared directly into his eyes.

"I don't know."

Her words hung in the air, and they both stared ahead, gazing at the glorious view.

"So, tell me about this place Cullen." Shaye said, breaking the silence.

"I discovered it quite by accident a few months ago. I was taken by the view. This city is so chaotic, and my work – well, it can be difficult sometimes. This seemed such a quiet little known spot. I couldn't resist coming back." Cullen revealed.

"And the bench, the flowers?" Shaye inquired.

Cullen smiled. "My father was a merchant but carpentry was his passion. When I was young, I would watch him for hours as he crafted furniture. I guess it is in the blood. I enjoy the craft."

"It is a fine piece of work." Shaye said as she let her hands feel the smoothness of finish and as her fingers played with the intricately carved design on the adorning the arm rest.

"Thank-you. I thought it would be nice for anyone who might came up her to be able to sit and reflect. And the flowers? Well, I guess that comes from my mother. She always said fresh flowers make a house a home. We don't have flowers in the Gallows. " He said and Shaye thought she detected some bitterness in his voice. Once again, something in his words touched her deeply. A wound that festered perhaps?

"So you have made this spot into a bit of a home, for all to enjoy, and yet the entrance is usually almost hidden by a barrel." Shaye noted.

"You are very observant." Cullen said.

She let it drop. He wasn't biting. Cullen confused her. He was a Templar, strong, seemingly self-assured. But he was also a man with deep feelings, turmoil perhaps. Nothing she had seen in him so far quite fit with her notions of the straight laced, narrow minded Templars. He intrigued her.

"Well, now that you know something of me. Tell me about yourself." Cullen said as he absently brushed aside the errant strands of hair that were blowing across her lovely face. His motion was tender and gentle, and it made her heart beat just a bit faster.

"Not much to tell really. My family escaped the Blight and we came to Kirkwall as my mother has family here. My brother died on the way. It's just my sister, my mother and me now." Shaye hoped that Cullen wouldn't pry.

"And your father?" Cullen asked.

And there it was. The moment she had been dreading. The reason she chased away her fantasies about Cullen. The reason she should have left immediately when Cullen appeared on the parapet.

"He is dead."

"Your father was Malcolm Hawke yes?"

She stared at Cullen angrily. He knew it all along! Damn him. _And I fell for it, _she thought.

"Yes." Shaye replied defiantly.

Cullen laughed and Shaye looked at him, bewildered.

"Whew. Then my judgement was correct." Cullen said.

"Your judgement! Your judgement of whom?" Shaye demanded.

Taken aback somewhat by the flash of anger in her beautiful emerald coloured eyes, Cullen replied softly. "Your sister of course."

"So why have you not taken her. It was clear that you knew. And my father – what do you know of him?" Shaye was angry and the bitterness in her voice was strong.

Cullen stood up, brushing the last of the crumbs off his shirt and black leather breeches.

"I was a Templar at the Circle in Ferelden Shaye. But even as a young recruit, even I knew the stories about your father. He was a powerful Mage. The Templars knew where he hid, at least most of the time."

"So if the Templars knew where he was, why did they not take him?" Shaye asked

"He was running from the Gallows and perhaps from something else, but not from the Ferelden Circle." Cullen said gently. He could see the confusion on Shaye's face. "Relations between Mages and Templars are not so black and white." Cullen paused and smiled, remembering his last conversation with Greagoir.

"Knight Commander Greagoir and the First Enchanter knew your father was strong. A demon would not dare to even attempt a possession. There was no need to bring him in. Your father kept his magic hidden wisely. People fear mages. He was protecting your family from ignorance, not the Circle."

Shaye's head was spinning from Cullen's revelations.

"I sensed your sister's strength. She is no threat. She is a well-trained mage. I see no need to have her join the circle here. However, she would be wise to be discrete. I am Knight Captain not Knight Commander."

"I see." Was all Shaye could muster. "I should go." Shaye was clearly unsettled. She had spent her life running from Templars and the Circle. But not because of her Father, as she had always believed, perhaps because of Bethany? But if he Father was so powerful, would the Circle have even taken Bethany? Was there something else?

She stood up and once again started to leave.

"Shaye." He called as she brushed past him. "If I have upset you I am sorry. I hope to see you here again one day. Thank-you for your company." Cullen bowed, and watched the beautiful woman climb down the stairs and probably out of his life. As she reached the bottom, she turned around but Cullen was gone from view.

~XXX~


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Cullen sat up and drew a sharp intake of air to fill his lungs. This time, the desire demon wore Shaye's face as he was made to watch despicable acts of barbarism. The nightmares never ceased. They simply took whatever was dear and tender to his heart and made it into something horrific. He grabbed his shirt and used it to wipe some of the sweat dripping from his face. He swung his legs over the side of his bed. Head bowed, he sat there, trying to will the tears of anger and frustration away.

He got up and stoked the fire. He pulled on his breeches and went to the wash basin. Dipping his shirt in the water, he washed himself as best he could. He pulled on his uniform and left his bedroom. As Knight-Captain, he had been granted his own suite. The rooms – a living area, a study, and a bedroom - were small and secluded, but pleasant enough. There was ample room for his books. He was grateful. No need to disturb anyone else with his nightly thrashing and screaming.

He went into his study and lit the candles in the small candelabra that adorned his desk. It was one of the few things he took with him when he left Ferelden. It was a gift from Irving, knowing he would spend many nights unable to sleep. He was sure that Irving had imbued some kind of magic in the candles – for after almost three years, they had barely melted. It comforted him.

Cullen tried to concentrate on work. He pulled the duty roster and reviewed assignments. Meredith had asked him to see if he couldn't double up the number of Templar's on duty at night. She claimed to have heard rumours that some Mages and Templars were leaving the Gallows late into the night. _Perhaps I should volunteer, he thought grimly. It is not as though I am sleeping. _At any rate, it was not possible, not without exhausting the men. Meredith would not be pleased.

The more he got to know the Templars and the Mages at the Gallows, the more concerned he became. The Mages here were poorly trained and the veil was thin. Not a good combination. Orsino was a kindly man, but rather ineffectual. Perhaps to spite Meredith's iron rule of the men and women of the Order, there was some dissention. Her "enthusiasm" as Greagoir had diplomatically put it, came perilously close at times to zealousness. She kept a core group of men under her direct command. Men over whom Cullen had no authority and men whom Cullen did not trust. But it was clear that she was trying to keep order. Although like Cullen, she had been horribly victimized and traumatized by a Mage possessed, unlike him, she had no alternate experiences with Mages to mitigate that. She would not be able to recognize a strong Mage – one like Irving or Wynne, or even Bethany -one that could not be corrupted. And, the reality was that in the Gallows, Cullen had yet to come across a strong Mage. Like it or not, the Mages here were inches from becoming abominations.

Cullen got up from his desk and moved into the living area. He brewed some tea and sat down in the big brown overstuffed chair in front of the fire and sighed deeply. His thoughts turned to Shaye.

Since running into her at the parapet, they had met there often, much to Cullen's surprize and delight. Like Cullen, she had adopted the spot as her own sanctuary, adding a potted tree and a wooden box with a woollen blanket inside "in case it got cold" she had said. He smiled as he thought of her. She evoked feelings in Cullen that he did not know he had. When he was with her, nothing else seemed to matter. She made him feel as though his heart could heal at last. He knew he was falling for her. But he wasn't sure how she felt about him. As a Templar his ability to read people was almost uncanny. But with Shaye – he simply wasn't sure. He knew a relationship with her did not make sense. He was a Templar and she was a friend to the mages. It was in her blood. Moreover, she was a rogue, engaging in activity that sometimes bordered on illegal. Templars were knights, bound to uphold all laws not just Chantry law.

But try as he might to dismiss his feelings, he could not. She was to leave for the Deep Roads soon. Perhaps her departure would change how he felt – out of sight – out of mind.

The tension at home had become almost unbearable some days. Shaye had told her mother about certain rumours amongst the Templars that her father was considered a free Mage in Ferelden and was not in danger of being taken. Her mother denied it, and Shaye wasn't sure about what to believe. But it mattered not. Here they were in Kirkwall, and the real battle was about Bethany and the Deep Roads expedition.

"Mother!" Shaye yelled. "It is enough. You have made your feelings perfectly clear. This is between you and Bethany. She is a grown woman. She wants to come. It is for you that we are doing this. If you want to forbid Bethany from going then go ahead. But talk to Bethany about it and not me. I love you Mother, but I will not be triangulated!" And with that, Shaye walked away. She slammed the door behind her.

_Thank-you Cullen_, she thought to herself as she made her way to the sanctuary as she now called it. Cullen always listened patiently as she vented her frustrations to him. He had gently pointed out to her that trying to protect Bethany and her mother from one another served only to perpetuate the problem. She was allowing herself to be caught in the middle – she was becoming the focal point, instead of Bethany. The fight should be between Bethany and her mother. She was being "triangulated" between them, he had said.

"You are making that word up Cullen. I know you!" Shaye had pouted. She hated it when he was right. And pouting usually worked well. It made him smile, and give in, much to their mutual delight.

"Well, I admit I have not ever heard the word, but it fits doesn't it?" Cullen said rather too smugly for Shaye's taste.

There was always tension between the two of them. They argued about almost everything. She was as well-educated as he, and could challenge him, much to his exasperation at times. But the tension between them was tempered with humour and genuine affection. In the last few weeks she had met Cullen frequently. And when she went to the sanctuary and he was not there, her disappointment was almost palpable. And when he was, she felt her heart sing. He made her laugh and he made her think. And while he seemed flirtatious at times, interested in her as a woman, he hadn't tried to kiss her. Perhaps he didn't find her attractive. Perhaps he wasn't interested. Or perhaps it was his politeness. He was a Knight. He had taken vows. There was a code of conduct to which he had to adhere, and what was she - a rogue living in Lowtown with a sister who was a Mage.

She ran up the stairs to the parapet hoping he would be there. And he was, shirtless, on his hands and knees, examining one of the legs of a small table he was building.

He looked up smiling brightly. "Ah Shaye. Would you please hand me the oil? It right there by the bench."

He sat upright revealing his broad, chiselled chest at which Shaye found herself staring. He was tanned and fit, but the scars were plentiful. She wondered about the story behind those wounds. Her knees felt a little weak as she brought him the oil. She tried to avert her eyes, and act casual. If he noticed her stares, he was kind enough not to say anything.

She watched him intently. That she was physically attracted to him was undeniable. It was a sexual attraction that ran deeper than she had ever before experienced. And with Cullen, there was something much more. He was a man with so many facets. He was intelligent and well read. He was a highly skilled swordsman. He was a warrior who crafted furniture! He was self-assured and confident, yet shy and reticent. They rarely agreed on things religious or political, but he was true to himself and his beliefs. He stood for something. And she admired that. But she thought to herself, he is a Templar. He hunts mages. He makes them tranquil. And he is a man who seems haunted by his past.

When he was satisfied with his handiwork, he took a seat beside Shaye and gratefully accepted the ale she poured, still cool in the metal flask she had bought. She reluctantly passed him his shirt and told him about her encounter with her mother. Cullen grinned taking great delight in telling her he told her so.

"Fine, so you were right once. I admit it." She smiled. "So, what do you suppose we will fight about today?" Shaye asked.

"Do we have anything left to fight about?" Cullen asked grinning. "And do we agree on anything. I have forgotten."

They laughed. Shaye closed her eyes and let the sun warm her face. Cullen gazed at her. He wanted desperately to kiss her, to take her hand in his, but he was afraid. He had thought long and hard about what intrigued him so about this woman. She was beautiful to be certain. But he had been with pretty women before. As a recruit, there were several attractive women who were more than happy to meet his needs, to fall in love with him. Good women, kind and loving. But none as beautiful as Shaye, at least not to him. None as strong and determined, capable and intelligent. None that made him laugh, who allowed him to forget the painful memories. She was like a warm light that shone strongly enough to melt the chains of his fear. His fear that he could not love. His fear that the demon had tainted him somehow and he would only bring pain to anyone who dared to know him.

His reverie was broken.

"Cullen" she said. "Have you ever been in love?" She wasn't sure quite why she had asked him that.

"No." Cullen replied thoughtfully. "I had a terrible crush on an apprentice at the Circle, but of course, nothing ever came of it. I was 19 at that the time. What about you?"

"No. Never in love. But you must have had girlfriends, a handsome man like you." Shaye said coyly. She chastised herself immediately. What a perfectly stupid thing to say!

Cullen looked at her intently, his eyes narrowing. _Alright, I'll play _he thought_._

Smiling and looking a tad flushed, Cullen replied. "You think me handsome? I am flattered. No girlfriends. What about you? You are a remarkably beautiful woman. No doubt you have had numerous marriage proposals."

Shaye burst out laughing. "Not a one! And do you really think I am beautiful, or are you just returning my compliment."

"I believe I said you are remarkably beautiful." Cullen said, surprizing himself with his own boldness.

His words hung. Shaye was quiet.

"We aren't fighting are we?" Shaye finally said.

"I don't think so." Cullen replied. "I think maybe we are sparring."

"I think you may be right."

"Wow – right twice in one day. I will mark it on my calendar."

"Shaye. Why did you ask about, you know, me and women?"

"I don't know really. We've talked about a lot of things Cullen. But nothing too personal. We seem to steer away from that. I guess I was just curious." She said.

He leaned closer, as though to kiss her… and then, they heard the screams from below.

~XXX~


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Cullen and Shaye reached for their weapons and ran down the stairs. Although it was past dusk, to their right, they were able to see a group of burley looking men, circling two Elves, a man and a woman, both of whom were somewhat ineffectively brandishing knives.

Cullen yelled out. "You best back off."

"Says who?" Called out one of thugs.

"Says a guardsman and a Templar and Hawke." A woman's voice rang out. It was Aveline.

"So good of you to come!" said Shaye, relieved that the odds were getting a bit better.

"Hawke. Trouble always seems to find you." She eyed Cullen and nodded curtly.

It was more than the thugs had bargained for, and as Hawke, Cullen, and Aveline made their move, the men disbanded quickly, as did the Elves.

"That was easy. How about a pint? The Hanged Man is just around the corner and my shift is officially over." Aveline said, rather too cheerfully.

"Ah. Well, it is getting late. I guess I will take my leave. Good-night." Cullen bowed and walked away.

"Hmm." Aveline said. "Aren't you going to thank me?"

"Thank you? For scaring away the thugs?"

"No, you fool, for scaring away Cullen. As though you need to be seen with a Templar!" Aveline snorted.

"You married a Templar Aveline. And besides, I am not sure I care about who I am seen with. Even you!" Shaye said with a grin.

"Ouch!" She replied.

They walked around the corner and entered The Hanged Man. It was as crowded and noisy as ever. Varric was nowhere to be found, and Isabella was flirting with some young sailor. They grabbed a seat and ordered some ale.

"So. Are you any closer to having enough coin for the expedition?" Aveline asked.

"Yes, we have squirreled away enough and then some. We will leave in a few days."

"I'll miss you. I am a bit envious you know." Aveline commented.

"Well Varric can't leave soon enough, but Anders isn't too thrilled about it. He would gladly trade places with you." Shaye said laughing.

"Ach. Anders. Now there is a piece of work!" Aveline remarked.

"He's not so bad really. A little one note, I grant you. But he truly means well, and he has a sharp wit. He is gorgeous to look at, keeps Fenris in line and keeps me on my toes. All in all, a very good companion!" Shaye said.

"By the way, what in the Maker's name were you doing with Cullen?"

"Cullen? Cullen. Yes, well, um. We just kind of bumped into each other. It was an accident really." Shaye babbled –she hadn't been expecting the question. 

"For a good liar, you are not a very good liar tonight Hawke." Aveline said.

Composed, Shaye responded. "Well Aveline. That's because I am not lying. We bumped into each other accidently. That's all there is to it. Sorry to disappoint!" And to herself she thought _accidentally on purpose about ten times that is! _"Look, Aveline, Cullen is a good man. He is protecting Bethany – not that anyone else needs to know that." The warning in her voice was unmistakable.

"You mean he knows about Bethany and has done nothing. Interesting! Of course I won't say anything Hawke. You know you can trust me." She said. But Aveline couldn't let it go,

"But still" she mused "it does seem odd, you and Cullen."

"Aveline – there is no me and Cullen." A flash of anger crossed her eyes.

"Hawke, Hawke, settle down! Don't get defensive on me. I wasn't implying anything. I understand. You want to protect Bethany so keep him on a string. I get it."

"Aveline! I wouldn't keep anyone on a string, least of all him." Shaye was getting angry now.

"Oh, I see. So you have a crush then. Well, he is very handsome, I give you that."

Shaye stood up. "I've got to get home. Aveline, you really don't know what you are talking about. Drop it, will you?"

Without waiting for a response, she left the tavern.

Shaye lay awake in the bed she shared with her sister. She was annoyed with Aveline for her intrusiveness, but more annoyed with herself for her defensiveness. But more than that, Shaye was angry. Angry because she had to admit to herself that she didn't want to go on this expedition. She didn't want to go, because she didn't want to leave Cullen.

Cullen. It was all Cullen. He was changing her life. And she was letting him. And she didn't know why.

Shaye was a runner. She always had been. She ran because it was required of her by her parents. She had no roots and nothing to hold her, save her family. When she was very young, it just seemed like one big adventure after another. But as she got older, made friendships, began to have hopes and dreams, the running became a burden. Always leaving behind something that might hold some promise for the future. She grew tired of it.

Based on what Cullen had told her, perhaps they did not need to have run so far or so fast. That made her angry too.

And now, once again she was running. This time to the Deep Roads. Once again she was leaving behind something that might be. If the expedition was successful, she could buy her Mother a new life and buy Bethany's freedom, if it ever came to that. Shaye didn't begrudge her mother or her sister; it was just that she was tired of running. She was tired of feeling alone. She was tired of not knowing whether or not she could pursue her own future.

Cullen never asked anything of her nor did he need anything from her. Cullen made her feel alive and inspired, and she liked that feeling. Cullen felt like a beacon of strength and safety and sanity. She needed Cullen in her life, she realized, and although that was scary, it was also exciting.

She began to wonder if one of the reasons she was so enamoured with Cullen was that he had focus and purpose and certainty in his life. Maybe she hoped that some of that would rub off on her. Cullen was a protector. He protected people from Mages, and protected Mages from themselves. Agree or not, he was clear on his mission and sincere in his beliefs. He was smart and challenging and he made her think. And there was a shyness and a vulnerability about him that tugged at her heart and made her feel that if she could live the rest of her life loving him and making him happy, then both their lives would somehow be complete. It was crazy and outrageous, but there it was.

_What do I believe in?_ Shaye asked herself. _I am not sure I even know who I am. I have never stood still long enough to find out. All I know is that somehow the answers lie with Cullen. And if he doesn't kiss me before I leave, I think I will go mad!_

Cullen peered over the engraver's shoulder. "No, no, um. All right. Write _Return to Sender_."  
>The engraver rolled his eyes and clucked his tongue. "Very well." He said.<p>

"No, wait. That's too impersonal. How is this? _Be Safe and Return_. No, _Keep Safe and Return_. Or, _Return_ _Safely_. Maker, I don't know." Cullen dragged his fingers through his hair, and smiled sheepishly. "Give me a minute."

Cullen had decided that his feelings for Shaye were growing stronger, and he could no longer ignore them or rationalize them away. That she was a beautiful woman who made his heart pound and his hands sweat was only half the story. It was the way she made him feel. Happy, joyful, and unafraid. Safe to return to himself, something he never thought possible after Uldred. The lively, spirited, combative woman who talked a mile a minute and made him laugh was truly a gift from the Maker.

He wanted to give something of himself to Shaye. A good luck token. He purchased a beautiful silver medallion attached to a delicate silver chain, and on the medallion he had a Templar's Cross etched within. He wanted to engrave a few words on the other side of the medallion. Something that would reflect his feelings. If she accepted the medallion, then the door would be open. If not, the door would be closed. And although Cullen was extremely nervous about being rejected, it was better to deal with the rejection while she was gone from Kirkwall. Time away would heal the embarrassment and the hurt. Of course, rejection meant that he wouldn't be able to go to the sanctuary anymore, but that didn't matter. He had purchased a small workshop and loft near the docks with the some of his family inheritance. Cullen had decided that he wanted Shaye in his life. And he could only pray that she felt the same.

The engraver was getting impatient. "Look, what is it that you want from her? Andraste's knickers – it can't be that hard."

"I want her to return to me." Cullen said quietly.

"Then it is done." Said the engraver.

Cullen stood looking out over the parapet wall onto the city. He was in full uniform. His stomach was in knots. He was tired of trying to figure it out. It did not matter. It simply was. Cullen was by nature a cautious man. But falling in love was not for the cautious he had decided. He had to know.

He turned to the sound of her boots echoing across the stone floor. He looked at her and smiled, always so taken by her beauty. And today she looked more radiant than ever. Her gorgeous green eyes were shining, her long soft hair blowing across her face. Her lips full and soft. She wore a simple blouse, revealing the top of her ample breasts. The shirt was cinched at her waist, revealing her shapely hips. Her long legs covered with leggings and boots. He was staring but it was hard to pull his eyes away.

She blushed. Something in the way Cullen was looking at her today caught her off guard. He was smiling, his dimples taunting her.

"Hello Shaye." He said.

She smiled.

"I am on duty, as you probably have guessed." Gesturing to his uniform. "I don't have much time, but I didn't want you to leave without saying good bye." Cullen said softly. His hands began to sweat.

"I am glad you came." Shaye said softly. "I would have felt awful without saying good-bye."

"I shall miss our talks." He said. His smile was gone, and there was sadness in his eyes.

"As will I." Shaye replied.

"And more than that Shaye, I, I will miss you." Cullen said hoarsely. "I know that we haven't known each other very long. I know that there is still much we have to learn about one another. And Maker knows, that it is crazy to think that a Templar and a rogue with a family full of Mages could ever … but Shaye I have come to care for you."

"I know." Her emerald eyes staring up at him.

"I have something for you. It's for good luck." Cullen said, and pulled out a small blue box from beneath his armour.

Shaye smiled. "Thank-you Cullen."

She gingerly opened the box to find inside a finely crafted silver medallion with a Templars cross etched on it, attached to a lovely silver chain. Cullen moved closer to her. She flipped the medallion over, and she thought her heart would explode right out of her chest as she read the words _Return to Me_.

"Cullen. This is beautiful. No one has ever … I don't know what to say." Tears began to form in her eyes. She dared not blink lest they start to fall.

"Say that you will come back safe." Cullen swallowed hard "Say that you feel about me, as I feel about you." He whispered.

He moved closer to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. His heart was pounding hard and fast and his throat was dry. Bending slightly, he leaned in. He hesitated, searched her face. She did not stop him. She rose up on her toes and brought her face closer to his. And then he kissed her, softly, gently. Her mouth was warm and yielding. She was trembling slightly. He pulled her closer and held her in his arms. They were silent.

"I will return to you Cullen." Shaye said smiling though her tears. Reluctantly, he released her.

"I must go." He said, wiping the tears that were now streaming unabashedly down her face.

"Thank-you Shaye. Maker watch over you." And then he was gone.

~XXX~


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Swing, block, thrust! Repeat those words over and over. Observe your opponent. Anticipate his moves. Be ready. Be wary. Use your gifts as needed – cleanse, silence, smite." Cullen's practice sword was pointed at the heart of one of his young charges. He sheathed his sword and reached out his hand to pull the lad up. "Not bad Hugh. You are improving." He clapped the recruit on the back.

"Any more takers?" Cullen called out to the small group of recruits. "No? Very Well – dismissed!"

Cullen grabbed his shirt and his flask of water and made for the large shady oak at the edge of the practice field. He sat down, back leaning against the tree. He took a long swig of the water and poured the rest over his head, letting the water drip down his neck, shoulders and chest.

When Cullen first arrived at The Gallows, he had been dismayed at the lack of proficiency of the Templars there. Many of them were out of shape and out of practice. Meredith appeared far more concerned about Kirkwall politics and her personal stature, then ensuring that her men were effective in their roles. Her approach was simply to recruit enough men and women to outnumber the Mages by such an overwhelming margin that Mages could never even hope to overcome Templars if it ever came to a battle. Cullen knew first hand it was not a question of numbers. Numbers were not enough against demons and abominations.

Cullen pushed, prodded and begged until he got more practice time and more training gear, and he was beginning to see some results at last. His tenacity and patience in trying to instill some discipline and pride in the men and women of the Order, was finally paying off. The Mages here were weak and poorly trained. The veil was thin. Being vigilant was not enough. Templars here had to be hyper-vigilant. They had to watch and observe. They had to know who was most at risk and most vulnerable to possession. And they had to know how to protect themselves and Mages both.

The Templars at the Gallows had come to respect Cullen. He was firm, but fair, talented, highly skilled and always ready to help when need. And it was well known that it was because of his training that lives had been saved. Kirkwall seemed to have more Mages living outside the circle than within. And as weak as the circle Mages were, most of the apostates had likely succumbed already. Before he arrived, far too many Templars died trying to bring apostates in, and far too many apostates either escaped or perished. Now, most survived. His success did not go unnoticed by Meredith, and although grateful for Cullen's presence she remained leery of him and perhaps a little jealous.

Cullen's thoughts moved to Shaye. There were rumours that Bartrand Tethras had returned from the Deep Roads, but no word on Shaye and her companions. As each day passed with no word, the knot in his stomach got a little bigger. He tried to busy himself during his off duty time with fixing up the workshop he had purchased, trying to make it a bit of a home away from home, but his anxiety remained. At last he heard news. Shaye had returned, safe and sound, and considerably wealthier than when she departed. His relief and joy however, were mitigated by word that her sister Bethany had become tainted. There were whispers that she was with the Warden's now. Cullen's heart ached for the guilt and the pain he knew Shaye must be feeling.

The days since her return passed by in a blur. Varric and Shaye had both lost siblings as a result of the expedition. Varric was furious with Bertrand, and Shaye was grief-stricken about Bethany. Anders had saved Bethany's life, but at what cost? Was the fortune that she brought home to her Mother worth it? She wanted to see Cullen, but, with so much to attend to – the purchasing of the estate, the odd request from the Viscount for a meeting with her, it was more than a week later when she finally had the chance to get away.

Shaye went straight to the sanctuary. She raced up the stairs, hoping Cullen would be there. When she reached the top, she stopped dead in her tracks. Frozen. The sanctuary had been abandoned. Everything was gone. Shaye was stunned and utterly heart broken. Two years of her life to go on this expedition. For what? Bethany was lost to her and apparently, so was Cullen. She felt empty. Suddenly the weight of the world seemed to come crashing down upon her. She sat on the cold stone floor and burst into tears. Spent, she returned to Gamlen's house. Her mother was packing up some of Bethany's things. Shaye was dreading seeing her. She did not have the strength to try to comfort her yet again.

The days passed painfully slowly after that. The only bright spot was that Leandra seemed to be getting over initial shock of losing Bethany to the Wardens, and was beginning to focus on moving into the Amell estate and regaining her past. Shaye's despondency concerned Leandra deeply. She fretted, but did not know what she could do to cheer Shaye up – indeed she did not understand what was upsetting her so, for Shaye would merely shrug off her queries.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Here, this came for you when you were in the Deep Roads and I forgot to give it to you." Leandra handed over a small package to her.

As soon as she was alone, Shaye ripped open the small package. She recognized Cullen's script. Inside was a key and a hastily scribbled note containing an address and the words _Return To Me_. Nothing more. Shaye felt a sense of panic rise up. What if Cullen had been waiting for her, and she hadn't come?

Dusk had settled into the city. Shaye made her way to the address Cullen had left her as quickly as she could. She arrived at a small warehouse of sorts, near the docks. She unlocked the door, and with what light remained from the day shinning into the room she found a small lantern. She closed and locked the door behind her.

"Cullen?" she called out. Nothing.

With lantern in hand, she began to explore, lighting the room as she come upon more candles. There was Cullen's bench, and her box. The table he had been working on was now complete. Shelves had been put up containing paints and varnishes, hammers and nails, glues and saws. She was grinning from ear to ear. She saw the stairs leading up to a loft.

Cullen had been busy. There was a beautifully carved, but empty poster bed and two night tables in various stages of completion. There was a writing desk and shelves filled with books. The wooden floor was carpeted, and there was a large overstuffed settee facing the hearth. She went to the fireplace, stoked up the coals and managed to get a flame going. She saw that off to the side near the bed frame there was a glass door that led out to a small balcony. She stepped out onto the balcony and she almost burst into tears. The view was virtually the same as that which could be seen from the sanctuary.

Shaye was overwhelmed by what Cullen had done and so happy that he had found a way to pursue his passion. Lost in thought, she did not hear the soft footfalls. She only felt strong arms holding her, warm breath tickling at her ear, and soft shaven skin brushing against her cheek. She held onto the warm, calloused hands that crossed over her chest. Together they stood in silence, watching the last of the sun fade from view and cast purple shadows across the ocean and the mountains beyond. Finally, she turned to face him. She pulled her arms around his neck and they kissed. Soft, gentle kisses, moving deeper, tongues meeting, and hands caressing cheeks and neck. Cullen was sure he could spend the rest of his life kissing Shaye.

"Maker." Cullen said between kisses. "I was so afraid you wouldn't come."

"I just found out today, and I was scared you wouldn't wait." Shaye replied.

Shaye curled up on the settee. Cullen got up to pour them some wine. Shaye began to tell Cullen why it had taken her so long to meet with him. She marvelled at his work and wanted to hear every last detail of how he had come to find this place. She began to tell him about the Deep Roads. With a huge grin, Cullen stood, watching this incredible woman- so full of life and passion and animation – waving her arms and talking a mile a minute.

"What?" Shaye said as she realized Cullen was no longer really listening, but staring at her. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No. I am just drinking in every moment I have with you. How I have missed you." He sat down and handed Shaye her wine. They talked long into the night, and finally, cradled in each other's arms, fell asleep. In the morning when Cullen awoke still holding Shaye in his arms, he thanked the Maker for bringing Shaye to him and wondered at the miracle that for the first time since Uldred, Cullen had slept without interruption. He let the tears of relief and gratitude fall unabashedly.

~XXX~


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Weeks had passed since her return. Shaye had moved into the estate with her mother, and while she didn't exactly hate it there, it did not feel like home. It was her mother's dream. Home felt like Cullen.

They met at the loft, as they called it, as often as they could. Since the night of her return, Cullen continued to sleep uninterrupted by frightening nightmares. And one morning, as he awoke refreshed and eager to get on with his day, for he had the night off and looked forward to seeing Shaye, he noticed that Irving's candles had melted clean away. Cullen shook his head in disbelief.

_Damn Irving. Reminding me that magic is not all bad. _Cullen thought to himself. _Maker watch over you Irving._

As much as he was looking forward to seeing Shaye, Cullen knew it was time to tell her what had happened to him in Ferelden. He was past the falling in love stage with Shaye. He was in love with her. Completely, totally, and without a doubt. He would tell her, because she deserved to know. He was risking everything, because he did not know if she could love a man who had been touched by evil – an evil conceived and carried out by Mages.

As for Shaye all she knew was that she wanted Cullen so badly, that some days it hurt. He was her rock. He was everything that she was not and he was the only one who made her believe that she could do anything she set her mind to do. He made her feel loved and cherished and valued.

When Cullen arrived, the fire was blazing in the hearth. Shaye had warmed up the roasted lamb and potatoes she had brought from home and poured some wine. They sat down, crossed legged in front of the lovely rectangular serving table Cullen had built.

"So, you are feeling more resolved now about Bethany?" Cullen asked between mouthfuls.

"Hmm, yes, a little." Shaye said.

"Well, this might interest you." He said, pulling out a neatly folded sheet of paper. It is a letter from a Warden I know." He passed the letter to Shaye.

_My friend_

_I hope this letter finds you well. Every time we visit the Circle, Greagoir gives us news of you. We understand that continue to do a fine job in Kirkwall. Tess and I recently returned from a brief trip to Vigil's Keep, and we met a woman – Bethany Hawke - who claims she knew you. Of course, as a Mage, she is not overly fond of Templars, but I think Tess and I convinced her that Templars aren't always so bad. I think she was a bit embarrassed to find out, that I too am a Templar of sorts! At any rate, apparently she has a sister and a mother living in Kirkwall that you know, so, please let them know she is well and finding her footing as a Warden. _

_Tess and I had hoped to visit Kirkwall, but she is with child (which is truly a miracle) and we do not wish to travel. However when we do come, we would like to spend some time with you if at all possible. Tess sends her regards, and as always, remembers you in her prayers. Be well my friend. _

_Alistair_

The weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. Bethany was going to be just fine. And then, as her brain started to absorb the rest of the letter, she shrieked "Cullen! You know King Alistair. You know his Queen, the hero of Ferelden? Why have you never told me?" She said, shaking her head in disbelief and grinning.

"It never came up?" He shrugged. "It is not that I know them well." A flash of intense pain on his face signalled that Shaye had unwittingly opened a wound.

"Shaye. There are some things about myself that I haven't told you. Shaye I love you. I cannot imagine my life without you. After you hear my story, if you want to walk out that door and never see me again, truly I will understand."

"Cullen…" Shaye started.

"Please Shaye." Cullen took a deep breath.

"There was a senior Mage at the Circle in Ferelden. His name was Uldred. He was powerful and very arrogant. He was at Ostagar the day Loghain quit the field and left King Cailen to die. Who knows, your brother Carver or Aveline may have even crossed paths with him. I found out later, that Uldred was in league with Loghain and that whatever Loghain promised him, was the motivation behind staging a rebellion at the circle."

"Yes, I heard of the uprising." Shaye said. "Go on Cullen. I, I want to know."

"Uldred crossed the line, knowingly, willingly, and convinced as many Mages as he could to engage in blood magic and to give themselves over to the power of abominations. He himself, transformed into a Pride Demon, the most powerful of all demons. His minions began to slaughter every Templar they could find. Any Mage who refused, was slaughtered as well." Cullen paused, and swallowing hard, continued.

"Uldred captured me and encased me in a prison – much like that in which you found Keran. I was enslaved there, for days, for weeks. I don't know." Cullen took a deep breath and willed himself to carry on.

"I was tortured - cut and burned, caned and threatened. I was denied sleep, food, and water. I was made to watch as desire demons raped my comrades and then slaughtered them in unspeakable ways." Cullen's eyes glazed over, and Shaye could see unspeakable pain. "But I did not break. I would not give in. I wanted to. Maker knows I wanted to end the agony, but a voice inside kept telling me I had to resist, that I had to survive to tell the story and give meaning to the senseless and cruel deaths of my comrades." Cullen was shaking now in the re-telling, in the re-living. Shaye moved towards him and took his hand. She lead him to the bed and gently guided him to sit.

"I think it was the mind tricks that they played that were the hardest to bear. Shaye, I cannot even tell you the things they showed me. Things I knew weren't real. Things I knew I had never done and would never do. But they were so real. And for years after, the nightmares. Replaying scenes of me doing terrible things to people I loved - even you" Cullen jaws ached from holding back the tears.

Shaye took his hand.

"Alistair and Tess found me. They killed Uldred and freed me from his prison. Wynne one of their companions and a senior Mage, and Irving, the First Enchanter, tended my wounds. I owe my life to them all. But they could not erase the memories. My hatred for Mages was undeniable. It was like a hot coal in my belly until one day it exploded. It was months later. I thought my hatred, my feelings of rage had dissipated. I found a young apprentice dabbling in blood magic. I hit him. And then even though he was down and disarmed I hit him again and again. I wanted to kill him. My sword, inches from his throat. Thank the Maker, something stopped me. I walked away."

Silence. Cullen's head was down. He could not bear to meet Shaye's eyes.

"There were rumours. Rumours that I had gone mad and killed a group of Mages. It was untrue of course, but I did not have the strength or the will to face my accusers. So I left and came to Kirkwall."

Silence.

"I do not know why I was spared. Why I lived and everyone else died. Perhaps I am a coward for leaving Ferelden. But after what happened to me, Shaye you must know that I believe in the Circle, more than I did before. And I believe in the Order. I fear that one day it will tear us apart. One day choices may have to be made…"

Shaye did not know what to say. His pain was raw and deep. Shaye smiled, and took his face, gently raising it so their eyes could meet.

"I know who you are Cullen. What you have told me tonight only re-affirms it. Your strength and your courage awes and humbles me even more now. I have heard what you have done at The Gallows. I know what your men think of you. Fair. Just. Firm. Loyal. I have listened to you struggle to do the right thing with Mages and Templars both. I know there is no hatred in you, only conviction. And I understand that conviction now better than I did before. I love you Cullen. I will not live my life without you, because of what might come to pass next week, next year, or, Maker willing, what might never come to pass."

She kissed him, and at last he smiled.

"I used to be scared that a demon lay dormant in my heart. And then I met you and my heart has been filled with love and hope. And the night before you left, and we first kissed… even the nightmares began to lose their power. And when you came back and you fell asleep in my arms – Shaye there were no nightmares. Nor have there been since. No matter what you think of me, know that I will always be grateful to you. For you have chased away the last demon and have freed me from their chains. There is no hatred left inside me Shaye."

"I think Cullen." Shaye said as she began to unbutton his shirt. "That you are the most wonderful, kind, smart, courageous, talented man in the world and I love you." Shaye whispered.

She began caressing his chest, kissing his neck, his shoulders. She gently pulled off his boots. She began to unlace his breeches, feeling his manhood begin to push against her hand. Cullen clasped her wrist to stop her. He searched her eyes, questioningly.

"I want you Shaye, more than you could know. Are you sure? Do you want this, do you want me?" Cullen asked between her ardent kisses.

"I want you Cullen. I want to make love to you. I have never been more certain of anything in my life."

~XXX~


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Anders?" Shaye called out. It was early morning and he had not yet opened his clinic. She waited. She heard the click of the lock being turned, and a very sleepy looking Anders opened the door.

"I brought breakfast" Shaye said cheerfully as she sailed passed him. "And word from Bethany!"

She was so happy, Anders did not have the heart to turn her away, which had certainly been his first inclination. She placed the still warm oatmeal on the table and began cutting up some sweet strawberries.

"All right Hawke. Your cheerfulness is killing me. Tell me about Bethany."

"Well, she has completed her training at Vigils Keep. And apparently she met some of your old companions there too. And why did you never tell me that it was Queen Tess who gave you that silly cat you always talk about! " 

Anders smiled. " Mmm – Ser-Pounce- A- Lot and Tess" he mused. "She was a good friend."

"Anyway." Shaye continued. "Here is what she says about you."

_Well, Anders was right. The ritual was horrifying and painful, but I survived it. It has taken me a while, but I have found my place here. To feel free to use my gifts without threat or shame is a relief. I have met many of Anders former companions here, and they all speak fondly of him, except a certain dwarf named Ogrhen who called him a nug nut. I am not sure what that means. Perhaps Varric would know. Please thank Anders for me. I owe him my life._

Despite Ander's radical views about Mages, despite his grand lectures, his 'Anders Manifesto', Shaye had come to care deeply about him. Since the incident in which he had almost killed a Mage - or rather blind Justice had almost killed a Mage – she had been worried for him. To take a spirit as a host had been a magnanimous gesture – typical Anders, opening his heart to the lost, the lonely, the weary, and the sick. But it had been a foolish thing to do in Shaye's opinion, and perhaps a fatal one.

Anders smiled. "I am happy for you both. Of course I hated being a Warden, but," he shrugged. "It may suit Bethany."

"Anders – is there anything that you don't hate?" Shaye said sardonically.

"Hmm, I hate Fenris, Templars, blood mages, the Chantry, Darktown, Kirkwall, The Gallows… hmm - well this oatmeal is good. I don't hate that!" He said triumphantly. He gave Shaye a hug and a little kiss on her cheek. "And despite your love of Templars, I don't hate you." He laughed.

"I don't love all Templars Anders. Just one."

"Yes Hawke, so you keep telling me." Anders said, giving her one of his stormy looks of disapproval. Shaye knew the look. It hurt her heart to see it.

Anders didn't understand Hawke. Her father and sister were Mages, but she allowed herself to be besotted by Cullen. He first realized her infatuation with him while they were in the Deep Roads together. She kept fingering some sort of charm on a chain around her neck and smiling. It was as though the token gave her strength. One night, while he was taking the watch, he managed to sneak a peek. He saw the Templar cross. His heart fell – she belonged to someone else. Not only had perhaps he lost a hoped for lover, he had lost her to a Templar. Hawke was beautiful, open and transparent, caring and compassionate, but tough and resilient. Most importantly she was a friend to Mages. She cared not about his being as one with Justice. He dreamed of her, of making love to her. He wanted to be happy for her, but Justice made him angry and hurt. Anders still hoped he would win her over in the end.

"I have a present for you Anders." Shaye passed him over an envelope.

"What's this?" Anders asked as he ripped open the envelope. "Oh how lovely Hawke. A piece of paper with some writing on it. However shall I thank-you."

"Read it silly." Shaye said laughing.

"All right. To the bearer of this note no charge for any supplies in stock." Anders' eyes widened. "Hawke. You can't be serious. Hawke! Bandages, ointments, salves. Think of what I can buy. How many lives will be helped! Thanks you Hawke. You have no idea what this means to me"

"I just thought you might need some cheering up, after what happened with that Tenplar. You need to remember your worth Anders. Without you, your generosity with your healing, how many would suffer?" Shaye said.

Anders fell silent. He had still not fully come to grips with what happened while tracking down a Templar fanatic by the name of Ser Alrik. Alrik was proposing a "tranquil solution" to the "Mage problem." So outraged was he by Sir Alrik disgusting plans and lecherous designs on one of the young Mages he had cornered, that Justice came out. If not for Hawke, Justice's blind rage would have seen him kill the innocent Mage, along with Alrik and his minions.

Anders was aware of the vulnerabilities of Mages. But he vehemently disagreed with the philosophy of those Mages and Templars who believed in the Circle. Mages like Wynne and Irving. They beleived that it was only through Circle training that apprentices could learn to control their magical gifts and use them to serve. Anders believed that training did not need to be provided in a structured institutionalized setting where Templars had free reign to brutalize their charges if they so desired. Training did not need to mean that children were taken away from their families. He believed that only weakened Mages. That it was the strength of love and family that kept Mages strong against temptation.

Shaye knew as well as Anders that much of the fear people had of magic came from misunderstanding. For all the good the magic could bring, it attracted demons and the risk of possession was always present. Only the strongest and best trained seem immune. Through- out the history of Thedas the horror generated by possessed Mages is a mark that every Mage wears. Should they all be mistrusted? Should they all be expected to atone for the sins of their brothers and sisters? Anders rebelled against that notion.

"How many people died at Loghain's hand? Hundreds? Thousands? Does every man and woman in Ferelden wear a badge of shame because one of theirs is a coward and murderer?"

Right or wrong, every Mage that somehow fails to bear that burden serves only to perpetuate the fear. But some Mages were changing perceptions. Mages like Wynne who helped Alistair and Tess defeat the Blight. Ironically, Mages like Anders himself. His tireless efforts to help those in need, were changing perceptions, bringing understanding through the gift of his healing magic. Why couldn't he see that? Perhaps it was Justice who was blinding him.

"Well, I must go." Shaye said. "Have fun shopping." Her heart hurt a little. She wished someone could love Anders the way she loved Cullen.

Cullen climbed the stairs to the loft. He was exhausted. Orsino and Meredith had been arguing again. At one point he thought it may have come to blows. Orsino refused to acknowledge the weakness of his Mages and Meredith refused to acknowledge that not all of the Mages were in league with abominations.

The low flames from the hearth illuminated the room well enough for Cullen to see his beautiful Shaye curled up, asleep on the bed. She was wearing nothing but his shirt, and Cullen smiled. She knew it drove him crazy to see her in it. He undressed and sat on the edge of the bed. She stirred at the movement.

"Cullen?" She murmured sleepily. She raised herself up to her knees, and drew next to him. She began messaging his aching neck and shoulders, kissing him lightly. He felt her soft skin next to his. She slid over to face him, sitting in his lap. His lips met her mouth, her neck, and her beautiful full breasts hungrily. Her moaning encouraging him as his tongue played gently with her nipples. They rolled over onto the bed, her hands and mouth caressing his hardness. Tongues probing, fingers reaching, hands touching. Gasps of pleasure escaped from Shaye's lips as Cullen reveled in her taste and in her touch and in her feel. Body thrusting, back arching, moans in unison now, they exploded. Blissful in the afterglow, they fell asleep in one another's arms. When they awoke, they luxuriated in a feeling of peace and contentment.

Their life together was far from routine. Whenever possible, Cullen came to the loft to spend the night. Shaye was almost always there. Shaye would regale him about what she was doing – the schemes, the jobs, the antics of her companions, whom Cullen was beginning to get to know. But there were things she did not tell him. Things about Merrill and Anders, about some of the Mages she let get away. She suspected he knew. In turn Cullen talked in great detail about his men, his training, his dealings with the Order and with the Chantry, but he said almost nothing about the Mages in the Gallows. She taught Cullen how to cook, and he taught her how to wield hammer and nails. It seemed a simple and ordinary life when they were together, and they relished every second of it.

These days, what they mostly found themselves talking about was the Qunari. She and Cullen read everything they could find about the Qunari - their beliefs and philosophies, their way of life. While there was much to admire in the Qunari, both were baffled by their culture. Cullen had disdain for the way they treated women and even he agreed that their treatment of Mages was reprehensible.

Regardless, the Qunari were increasingly becoming a problem in Kirkwall and a renegade Templar and a Chantry Sister, weren't helping matters. Varnell, a rather fanatical and misguided Templar had been discharged from the Order by Cullen. Cullen had been keeping eyes on him, but he had recently escaped from Cullen's grasp. Cullen feared he might do something rash. As always, they counseled one another, giving each other advice, listening and helping one another when they could.

That they loved each other deeply and completely was without question, however they both knew that one day, what remained unspoken could come between them. But for right now, both Shaye and Cullen were happy. Life felt just about perfect. Shaye was no longer running, and Cullen was no longer hiding. Time together was filled with laughter and love making. Shaye was becoming more thoughtful and tempered and Cullen, more spontaneous and daring. Neither would entertain that their lives together would not continue to be filled with joy.

And then Shaye's mother was murdered and soon after she found her world was turning upside down.

~XXX~


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Cullen took a leave and virtually moved into the estate to care for Shaye and to help her bury her Mother. It was not only the loss of Leandra that so devastated Shaye, but it was the manner in which she died. Cullen did not leave her side, and Shaye was grateful beyond words.

Cullen arranged the flowers, the food for the visitors, the service, and the vigil held by the Grand Cleric herself. He made sure she ate and watched over her as she slept. They all came to give their support and condolences - Varric, Isabella, Aveline, Sebastian, Merrill and even Anders. Anders was particularly distraught for Hawke. It was not only that he loved her deeply, it was the horror of knowing that a Mage had killed her Mother. He wondered if she would turn against the Mages now. After all her lover was a Mage-killer. Would Cullen influence her now that he had significant ammunition? It was a nasty thought, Anders acknowledged, but it gnawed at him. But what Anders observed between Cullen and Shaye was undeniable. And Cullen had been nothing but kind and gracious to Anders. Begrudgingly, he admitted to himself that Hawke was probably better off without him and Justice.

Shaye was resting in her room. Cullen came in with tea and jam cakes, and placed them on her night table.

"Lay with me Cullen?" Shaye asked.

"Of course, love."

He lay on the bed with her, and she cuddled up to him, head lying on his chest. He held her in his arms, stroking her soft hair.

"I have run out of tears Cullen. I am not sure I will ever get over her death, what that Mage did to her." She shuddered. "Thank you for being here for me. I can't imagine how I would have managed if not for you."

His kissed the top of her head. "You would have managed just fine. So many care about you."

"I know they care. I am truly blessed. I just hate being so weak, especially when others expect me to be strong." Shaye said.

"You have taken care of everything and everyone since the day your father died. You are not weak Shaye. You are allowed to grieve." Cullen responded.

"Cullen, you are the only one I feel safe with, safe to be myself. I want you to know how much that means to me."

"I feel the same way Shaye. Who else but you would tolerate my compulsive need to have everything in order?" Cullen laughed.

"Or your insane need to wear your socks to bed." Shaye said rolling her eyes.

"Now that's not fair. My feet get cold at night."

"Yes, but you look foolish totally naked except for your socks!"

"Fine, I will put on my boots too! Happy? At least I don't pout when I don't get served breakfast in bed."

"It was just the one time Cullen!"

"Just the one? I seem to recall … ouch! That hurt!" Cullen chuckled. Somehow she managed to dig her elbow into his ribs.

Shaye laughed. For the first time since her Mother died. Cullen kissed her and Shaye responded with such passion, that Cullen's breath was taken away. They made love with an urgency that spoke of Shaye's intense need to feel life inside and of Cullen's ardent desire to please her.

In time, Shaye came to grips with her Mother's death. To Anders relief, Shaye didn't seem to turn away from the plight of the Mages. Cullen returned to The Gallows, and life reverted to its usual state of chaos and madness. That is, until the death of the Viscount's son at the hands of Mother Patrice and Ser Varnell, and the Viscount's refusal to return to his office. The fragile peace between Kirkwall and the Qunari had shattered. The Qunari attacked and Kirkwall was under siege.

On the day of the battle for the Viscount's Keep, Shaye finally met Meredith and Orsino. She felt as though she knew them, having heard so many tales through the years from Cullen. Orsino seemed sincere, yet there was an arrogance about him. And Meredith struck her as being colder than ice and more inflexible than the strongest steel. Meredith absolutely scared her.

Against her better judgement, Shaye volunteered to lead the fray into the Keep. With Orsino distracting the Qunari guarding the Keep, and with Meredith mobilizing her troops, Shaye and her companions found themselves alone with the Qunari and the unfortunate citizens they had taken hostage. And although Isabella retuned their relic, the Arishok insisted Isabella be taken to face Qunari justice. In a moment of rashness and foolish bravado that in many ways Shaye would come to later regret, she faced the Arishok one on one.

He was dead. Saved perhaps by the Arishok's blind outrage that a woman would dare challenge him. Cheers erupted as his lifeless body lay bloodied on the floor, and the few remaining Qunari left the hall. And then, as in a dream, the cold cruel voice of Meredith saying

"It would seem that Kirkwall has a new Champion."

When she retold the tale to Cullen later she said smiling, "All I could think about was how mad you were going to be at me if I died fighting the Arishok. I could hear the 'I told her so' lecture as you eulogized me, and I was damned if I was going to let you be right!"

"Well, I am glad I inspired you to beat that bastard. But more so I am just glad that you returned to me." Cullen said his voice full of emotion.

"As am I. But it was reckless and foolish." Shaye whispered.

"Perhaps. But it was also you being you, the woman that I love. You stood up for a friend that you care deeply about, and for a principal that you believe in wholeheartedly. I am not sure I could fault you for that Champion."

"Don't call me that Cullen!" She said as she kissed him.

"Are you sure? Champions get lovely massages in the baths their Templars draw for them." Cullen whispered as he began to undress her.

"Well, perhaps I can be flexible, just this one time." She murmured.

He got into the tub, and kneeling before her, took the soapy sponge, gently washing and massaging her neck and shoulders, her arms and her legs. He caressed her feet and her toes. His hands found her breasts, and then his lips found hers. She was so aroused, she could barely stand it. She caressed his chest, his back, his arms, his legs, his groin. He brought his lips to her breasts rolling his tongue and gently nibbling her dark and erect nipples. As she moaned his hand found their way between her legs. Her touch and her moans excited him and he felt himself grow hard and ready. With his hands between her legs, and his fingers deftly rubbing her, she moved to kiss him deeply, their tongues thrusting and exploring. She kissed his hard chiseled chest, his neck, and caressed his legs. Finally as his groans and breathing began to increase, she reached for him, her hand moving up and down his length in perfect synchronicity with his fingers that were moving in and out deep inside her. She guided him inside and together, they exploded. Gasping. All delicious tension released as one.

"Perhaps I can be flexible again later?"

"As you wish, my Champion!"

~XXX~


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Becoming the Champion of Kirkwall was the last thing to which Shaye had aspired. Suddenly, she was forced to play politics and to consider with far greater intensity, her every action. Whether she liked it or not, the people of Kirkwall were influenced by what their Champion did or did not do. There were certain expectations of her. She was expected to attend parties and soirees, to speak at events. She was petitioned by nobles and commoners alike to intervene and settle this business squabble or resolve that land claim. She hated the formalities, the politics, the gamesmanship, but, she was good at it. Cullen had once called her a fixer. As usual, he was right. She had been trying to fix things for others all her life.

What she hated, was the time away from Cullen, but Varric cautioned her about being with Cullen.

"Hawke. If Kirkwall thinks you are in bed with the Templars, than the Mages and the Guard have no chance. Kirkwall will be ruled by Meredith."

"Varric, I am in bed with only one Templar, and trust me, it is not Meredith. Besides, Kirkwall doesn't know about Cullen and me. We have been discrete. Even you didn't know until I told you."

Varric chuckled. "Funny Hawke. But I am serious. The Templar Mage thing is heating up. Mark my words. You will have to take a side."

"Varric. There is no tenable side to take. Both Orsino and Meredith are wrong, and right now, I can support neither."

"I don't disagree with you Hawke. But I am telling you – the day will come."

Shaye knew it to be true. Lately, the worried look on Cullen's face told the story. Cullen had told Shaye that Meredith was becoming increasingly odd and withdrawn. He was, for first time, truly questioning her beliefs. It was not just her strict adherence to Order, it was her strict adherence to a twisted view of the Order.

"She is becoming paranoid. She has always surrounded herself with a group of Templars of dubious reputation, and has shut me out of her dealings with them. Over the years, each has proved to a fanatic, unworthy of the Order." Cullen had said. "What is worse is that she knows you have done some work for the Templars and that you and I have become "acquainted", as she put it." Shaye, she has asked me to spy on you. She is frightened by your power Shaye and I fear the worst. We must be cautious."

She pushed the thoughts away from her mind. She was hoping to see Cullen tonight at last. It had been almost two weeks since last she saw him and at that, it had only been for a brief time. She missed him terribly.

Cullen entered the Knight Commanders office. Meredith was behind her desk, leafing through some documents. Minutes passed. _She is doing this on purpose_, Cullen thought, _but I will play my part and not allow her to unnerve me._ Finally, she looked up and acknowledged him.

"Ah, Knight-Captain Cullen. I understand that you wanted to see me." Meredith smiled.

"Yes Knight-Commander. For several weeks now in fact." Cullen bowed deeply.

"Cullen, you are my second. You are welcome to speak with me at any time."

"Perhaps Ser William was not clear on that point, Knight-Commander." Cullen replied courteously.

"Are you suggesting anything Cullen? That would not do. Ser William is my secretary and my dear friend."

"Not at all Commander."

"Good." Replied Meredith coldly. "Now, what is it you wanted to see me about Knight-Captain, I am very busy."

"Of course." Said Cullen. "I understand that the top floor in The Gallows has been locked. I have tried to see the men stationed there, but have been refused entry."

"Then my dear Cullen. I guess you will not be able to see the men. There were abominations locked up in there. They already contaminated the men. The area is being quarantined and is temporarily off limits. No one will be allowed in or out save my special forces." Meredith responded, her tone icy cold.

It was as Cullen suspected. Meredith was coming undone. Cullen knew some of the Mages that had been taken, and they were not abominations. And even if true, some may be saved. Had the hero of Ferelden taken Meredith's perspective , then Cullen would not be here. Meredith was pushing Orsino into a corner. Soon Orsino would have no choice but to rebel openly, if not become a demon himself. Interesting that she finally admitted to having a "special force". For the last few years Meredith had surrounded herself with some of the most zealous Templars she could find. Templars that had never quite taken to Cullen's presence. Templars like Alrik, Mettin, and Karras.

"Your special forces do know that even Justinia I proclaimed that mages who honor the Maker and keep his laws are welcome as our brothers and sisters ? There may be some that can be saved. Meredith, please you know that I myself was in similar circumstances…." It was a weak attempt, but Cullen had to try.

Meredith slammed her fist onto her desk. Her face reddened, and then softened. "Of course Knight-Captain. You must trust me as you always have. The Mages who were imprisoned were possessed and the Templars are dead. I have simply sealed off the area for clean up, you have my word."

"Very well. Then I am satisfied." Cullen lied.

Meredith smiled. "And the other matter Cullen? You have bedded the Champion by now?"

This was the moment he had dreaded. He prayed to the Maker he could pull it off. _No emotion_.

"Apparently she prefers the charms of Elven slaves, I am sorry to say. But, I do believe she will support the Templars."

Her cruel gaze seemed to penetrate his very being. It took every ounce of strength to stare her down.

"Too bad. Then I suppose there is no more point for you to continue to see her. It has been about two weeks since last you met has it not? She will be arrested shortly anyway." Meredith said matter-of- factly.

_No emotion_, he said to himself again.

"Arrested? Surely we could use her assistance." Cullen said evenly.

"She consorts with an abomination. That Anders fellow. We could never touch him; he is a Warden after all. I suspect the whore screws both Elves and Mages. We will see where she lands, and if it is on the wrong side, she will be taken." Meredith laughed and she returned to her papers.

"Hmm, Mages and Elves, but not Templars. Hardly seems fair." Cullen said as he bowed.

"Dismissed." Meredith said chuckling, without looking up from her papers.

Cullen couldn't get out of there fast enough. He rushed to his quarters. He felt unclean and he felt physically ill. He had to see Shaye, to warn her, but Cullen was now being watched and scrutinized. To continue to see Shaye would jeopardize them both. He couldn't go to her, at least for now. He prayed Shaye would understand.

Not only was Cullen sickened by Meredith's derogatory remarks and threats against Shaye, he was mortified by what she had revealed about her special forces, and to have confirmation that his worst suspicions about the Mages and Templars locked in the Gallows were true. Shaye had no choice now but to stand with the Mages. They would be slaughtered otherwise. Cullen had no choice but to stand by his men, even if that meant supporting Meredith for now.

But how was he stand against Shaye? And how would he protect Mages and Templars both in the battle that was certain to come? Cullen had been gathering evidence against Meredith and had begun to formulate a plan to move as many Mages as he could out of the Gallows, if he needed to. It seemed clear now, that he would have try to get as many Mages out as he could. And he knew just the man to help him.

King Alistair's timing could not have been better. Shaye had not been the only one to receive a request to meet with the King of Ferelden.

"Your Highness. I am honored that you have taken the time to see me, considering your busy schedule." Cullen said

"Please Cullen, call me Alistair. I hate the Your Highness thing." Alistair said rolling his eyes.

"Very well Alistair."

After taking some time to catch up, Alistair cut to the chase.

"I did not have much success with Meredith. I am trying to convince her to let the Ferelden Mages return to the Tower. She said she would gladly entertain the idea, once the Mages who have escaped from Kirkwall have been returned." Alistair shook his head. "We are at a stalemate, it would seem, unless you can assure me that the rumours about The Gallows are untrue."

"I would like to say that there is no truth to the rumours, but I can't. Meredith has gone too far. She has become unbalanced." Cullen said, feeling a sense of shame.

"Look, Alistair, the treatment of the Mages here has always been harsh – much harsher than at the Circle of Ferelden. But you must understand that the Mages here in Kirkwall are weak and the veil is extraordinarily thin. Mages were poorly trained and this was tolerated, perhaps, I am sorry to say, even encouraged by both Meredith and Orsino, each for different reasons. I have never seen so many abominations in my life. The Champion's own mother was killed by a Mage, a Mage that Orsino knew about, aided, and ignored." Cullen paused. "I have tried to moderate the conflict, and I have failed. It is a simple as that. It has cost me everything."

Alistair heart was stirred by the look in Cullen's eye. It was the same look he had so many years ago, when he thought he had lost Tess after Ostagar.

"You have not failed Cullen. It is Meredith and Orsino who have failed - their ambition and their arrogance. It is the Grand Cleric and the Viscount who have failed - their passivity and capitulation."

"I was a fool Alistair, to think that I could support what the Order and the Circle are supposed to stand for and that somehow I could protect what the Order and the Circle needs to return to here in Kirkwall." Cullen said angrily. "Alistair, I ask that you allow the few Mages I have been able to "release" safe passage to Ferelden until this conflict, which is ready to explode, is over. An ex-Templar had been helping Mages escape Kirkwall for some time. I have re-instated him, and he is willing to help."

"I will do what I can Cullen. I don't foresee any problems. And then?" Alistair said.

"I don't know. I will bring Meredith down. I have enough evidence. I shall bring it to the Grand Cleric Elthina. I am being watched, followed. It is difficult, but I will manage. The Grand Cleric will have to step in."

"Elthina is not exactly known for getting involved." Alistair replied.

"True enough, and I cannot help but feel her neutrality has exacerbated the situation. I only hope that after this is all over, Templars can regain their standing and do what they are supposed to do. Protect Mages."

"Maker protect you Cullen." Alistair said and then with a gleam in his eye, he produced a small package and handed it to Cullen.

"I met with the Champion yesterday. She asked that I give this to you." Alistair said grinning.

"Oh, th, thank-you." Cullen whispered.

Cullen couldn't wait to open it. He looked up at Alistair, and as though he could read his thoughts, Alistair nodded.

Cullen tore open the package. Inside was a large silver charm on a thick chain. It was a beautifully designed hawk. He turned the charm over, and there etched on the smooth surface, the words he had hoped for: _Return to Me._ His relief and joy was palpable.

"I feel as though I am back at Chantry school, passing notes for friends, but I am planning to see the Champion once more before I leave. Shall I say anything?" Alistair asked.

Cullen smiled. "Please do not tell her of the content of our conversation for it would put her at risk. Just let her know…" Cullen paused. "Let her know I will return."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Shaye remembered the last time she and Cullen lay together. It had been over two months since she woke feeling safe and loved and warm in his arms. Two months since she held him inside her, smelled him, tasted him, and kissed him. She felt so empty.

"You don't have to say it Shaye. I guess we always knew that someday our two worlds would collide. The Mages need you. Just know that it is not Meredith I will be supporting. It is the innocent men and women I am trying to support – Templar and Mage alike. It always has been – whatever my failure." Cullen said angrily.

"We have all failed Cullen. All of us!" Bitter tears of frustration began to fall. "No matter what Cullen, I will never stop loving you."

"Nor I you." He said, gently brushing her hair aside and wiping her tears.

Shaye had been encouraged by King Alistair's words that Cullen would return. He was being followed, Alistair had told her, and she had to believe he was doing this for her safety. But her own insecurity left a niggling doubt.

She was sitting by the fire, in the front living room when Anders entered. Her eyes were red and swollen from her tears. _Damn, I don't want him to see me this way,_ she thought to herself.

"Hawke?" His voice was full of love and compassion. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, Anders I am fine. Really."

"Really?' He said as he knelt before her, taking her hands into his. His warm hands caressing hers gently, bringing them to his lips as though he could kiss her pain way.

She smiled. "Really and truly Anders. Sometimes I do feel a little sorry for myself, that's all."

"He was cruel to do this to you. You know that, don't you? He cannot truly love you Hawke. You are of Mage blood. He could never have you as a proper woman. Marriage? Children? He could not stand to father a Mage. He is not worthy of you."

He leaned closer, blocking her in, and taking her face in his hands, searching her eyes. He kissed her tears, caressed her cheeks and neck and kissed her deeply. He moved his hands to her breasts, deftly unbuttoning her shirt and gazing at her beautiful breasts, hungrily sucking.

"I have waited for this moment for so long Hawke," He breathed.

"Please don't Anders." Shaye whispered, taking his hands from her breasts.

"You could free me Hawke. I need you."

"No, Anders. You can only free yourself, I love you Anders. Surely you know that."

"But? He is gone now Hawke. He is not coming back. It is his blade that could fell you. Tell me why. Is it Justice?"

"Anders I am in love with someone else. Someone who at last, doesn't need me, but just wants me, just loves me. Do you understand? I will never stop being in love with Cullen. Ever. No matter what. And yes, Justice has blinded you Anders and changed who you were – a man that I could have fallen in love with. Perhaps I would have. I am sorry."

"I understand. I truly do. I didn't know, Hawke. I apologize. Maybe I was just hoping for a pity roll in the hay?" Ander said smiling. He wasn't surprized really. He had hoped…

"I don't think so." Shaye replied smiling weakly back.

"Well, Isabella it is then." He said, laughing. And then his tone turned deadly serious. "And Hawke, remember, whatever happens, know it was my choice."

"I don't understand." Shaye said.

"No matter. I must go. I am sorry Hawke. I should not have presumed."

Two more months passed and then the worst happened. Anders murdered the Grand Cleric. Shaye was sickened beyond all imagining. _How could he?_ She thought. She had been left alone with him, to decide his fate. He sat there rocking, his back to her. And he kept saying "It was my choice."

Shaye broke. Cullen was gone; perhaps he was dead by now. Shaye could no longer support the Mages. Not after what Anders had done. Fenris and Sebastian wanted him dead; Merrill wanted him freed to vindicate himself. And Shaye just wanted to run away.

"Kill me Hawke. Free me from Justice. I am begging you." Anders said.

She held the blade in her hand, it would be so easy to kill him. But her hand shook, and bitter tears blurred her vision. And then, she heard it. Blessed Andraste, his voice.

"Shaye. Thank the Maker." She spun around and ran to his outstretched arms. She buried her face in his strong chest and sobbed. "I will stand with you Cullen."

"I know my love, I know." Cullen said. "You must know this though. Most of the Mages are gone thanks to Alistair and Samson, of all people. Only the weak remain with Orsino. And I will take Meredith down when I can." 

"I had prayed you would find a way." She said touching the medallion he had given her so long ago.

He smiled, and showed her the charm she had given him. He kissed her, and held her as long as he could.

They walked together towards Anders.

"I see. You have decided to have me arrested, and you have brought your Templar to do it." Anders said bitterly.

"No Anders." said Cullen. "If it was my choice I would make you tranquil, so you could continue the good works that have marked most of your life, but this is not the time to debate – perhaps we should have done that long ago. It is simple Anders, Shaye loves you and she wants to set you free from Justice, and I love Shaye and so, I will do what she needs of me."

"Then perhaps I was wrong about you Templar." Anders said turning his back to them. "It will be easier for you this way Hawke."

"Anders. Find your peace. It was Justice not you. It was not your choice. I understand that." Shaye said quietly.

The blade was once again in her hand. How strong Aveline had been with Wesley. Somehow this was different. She looked to Cullen and he nodded. He placed his hand over hers and she thrust. It was done.

Shaye was still shaken. "Thank you Cullen. I love you. You have no idea how much that meant to me. I can never repay you for what you have given me."

Anders was dead. Orsino was dead. Dozens of Mages lay dead. Shaye's heart was broken, as she left The Gallows' foyer and walked into the courtyard. Meredith was there looking at her with both cruelty and a grim satisfaction, that it chilled her to the bone. Cullen stood beside Meredith, and it took all her strength not to run to him. Suddenly she was surrounded by Templars

"Kill her" Meredith screamed to Cullen. "Kill the treacherous bitch!"

"No Meredith." Cullen said with a steely confidence. "If you want her dead, you will have to go through me. Meredith, you have gone too far."

And then the Meredith he knew dissolved. Her ugliness, greed, and her madness, came down upon them all. The battle against her lasted for hours. Time and time again she brought forth monsters. Cullen and Shaye fought side by side. Varric, Isabella, Fenris and Sebastian and even Merrill fought tirelessly, until finally, Meredith fell and Shaye fired the last deadly arrow into her.

Shaye stood over her lifeless body, breathing heavily, sweaty and bloody. And as she turned to find Cullen, she saw him. He was kneeling down in her honor, and the rest of the Templars followed suit.

"No!" She screamed running to Cullen tears streaming down her face. "No, please don't Cullen."

She reached him and got down on her knees with him.

"Please do not bow to me. It is I who should bow to you, Please Cullen." She said. She kissed him and held him in her arms, ignoring the murmurs of shocked surprize from the Templars around her,

"We will fight about this later, Viscount." Cullen said grinning, wiping the tears from her eyes. "But before I rise, once I am on my knee anyway, I have a question for you – Shaye will you marry me?"

She stared at him in disbelief, and then broke into a big smile. She pulled his hand to her belly. "I think that would be a good idea, Knight Commander."

Epilogue

The rumour was that Cullen had fathered twin Mages. The truth? Shaye and Cullen brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, and, to Cullen's slight disappointment and Shaye's relief, baby Mallory showed no signs of having any gift, other than the gift of delighting her parents with her gurgles and smiles. But Shaye was pregnant again, and rather large, so perhaps there was going to be some truth to the rumour after all.

Shaye accepted the position of Viscount and she and Cullen, married and moved into the Keep. The estate was kept for Bethany, who had apparently taken up with another Warden, the very same Nathaniel Howe whom Shaye had meet a few years back. Cullen sold the loft and bought some land outside of Kirkwall, high atop of the cliffs near the Wounded Coast, looking to the ocean and the mountains beyond. He was bound and determined to build his family a home of their own.

Rebuilding the Circle and the Order, would take some time, and neither Cullen nor Shaye knew quite what that re-building would look like. There was rebellion in the air and threats of war. Merrill disappeared, and Sebastian returned home to retake his lands. Fenris, Varric, Aveline and Isabella continued to make Kirkwall their home, and remained staunch supporters of Shaye. They all helped the Cullen with the horrific task of cleaning out The Gallows and making the prison into a home.

Finally it was done. Mages and Templars, priests and mothers, sisters, citizens and nobles gathered for the dedication of the Kirkwall Circle. It had been a year since the destruction. Everyone had been changed by the events that had happened in Kirkwall. The price of avarice, neutrality, oppression, and ignorance that had characterized Kirkwall had been high and had led to its decent into hell. No one wanted to go there again.

Shaye stood at a podium before the crowd. "I came to Kirkwall as a penniless rogue on the run from the Blight. And in Kirkwall I lost everything that I knew and loved. You have made me your champion, your Viscount now. Why? It is because my arrow was the last to touch the Arishok, Orsino, Meredith? But what of the arrows and blades that dug into their flesh before me? It was together that we defeated what sought to destroy us. Regardless I am grateful. More than I can say. Whatever I lost, I have found again in Kirkwall ten-fold. A hundred fold."

The crowd responded with cheers and applause.

"I don't know what lies ahead. But I cannot help but believe that whatever it is, we can face it, but only together. There is great strength in standing together despite our differences. And that is the lesson I learned from the man we are here tonight to honor. A man, who, despite great personal travail, chose reason over blind passion, knowledge over ignorance, truth over falsehood and love over hatred. My honored guests, I give you Knight –Commander Cullen, a man who quietly saved the lives of hundreds of Mages and Templars. A man of extraordinary strength and courage and grace."

With that, the crowd rose to its feet, clapping wildly. Cullen came to the podium. He had not wanted this recognition, but the Order, and more importantly, Shaye insisted. He kissed Shaye, much to the delight of the crowd and whispered in her ear. "We will fight about this later."


End file.
